Can we take a second to talk about this?? As a new mom who is breastfeeding this has really started to hit home for me. I want to be completely honest now, before I ever had my little one I saw plenty of women breastfeeding out in public and felt somewhat uncomfortable with the situation. I realize now that the reason I felt uncomfortable was because I had completely sexualized breasts. I had grown up in a society where seeing breasts in advertisements and movies, you couldn’t watch a Carl’s Jr commercial without being forced to watch at least one pair of bouncing breasts! Breasts are everywhere, you really can’t get away from them. I felt uncomfortable with breastfeeding until my mom had my little sister when I was 18, then I saw things in a completely different light. However, I would NEVER have said anything to the women feeding their little ones no matter how uncomfortable it made me!! My mother breastfed my little sister for about six months or so, if I remember correctly, and I hung out with her while she did so. I finally realized that breasts are not just sexual objects, but are basically bottles for babies! I know, strange analogy but think about it… It’s pretty spot on! Now being a breastfeeding mom I completely understand the Normalize Breastfeeding Movement. It’s not like the Free The Nipple Movement, it’s goal is not to just allow women to walk around topless it’s goal is to make women feel comfortable to feed their children in public. I’ve watched so many videos and read so many articles about this social issue and it makes me so sad. There are so many women on women hate for breastfeeding in public, even those who have children of their own are criticizing others for breastfeeding their children in public. Breastfeeding is the reason women have breasts it’s what God or Biology has intended them for, if you will. Yet people still lose their minds when you breastfeed in public even if you do cover up.
Now let me touch on the breastfeeding covers for a second, have you ever used one?? They are a serious pain in the a$$!! Not to mention how they work like a heater on top of a little space heater. I don’t know about other moms, but for Grayson and I the cover is more of a spectacle than just feeding him without it. I mean, how would you like to be forced to eat underneath a blanket?? You probably wouldn’t find it very fun, and trust me it’s not! I currently use a cover to feed Grayson outside of the home, mainly because my husband doesn’t want the world looking at my boobs. Which is funny but I get it, for me it’s because I’m self conscious about my breasts… I think they look weird. Even though I feed Grayson under a cover I still get looks from strangers, everything from horrified looks to straight up glares. I always stare back or ask if I can help them if they seem to be unable to take their eyes off of us. I am not someone you want to piss off, and I’m constantly waiting for someone to say something to me about taking care of my child. I would do anything for him, even step out of my comfort zone and feed him without a cover if needed. Sometimes little ones are screaming and taking the extra time to put on a cover and get him situated with one hand is just not worth it! Everyone is already staring at you anyway, why not just whip out your breast and calm the screaming child? I watched this video that was a social experiment about breastfeeding in public and it made me so angry. Where do people get off trying to tell mothers when and where they should be feeding their children?? Breastfeeding Social Experiment
So many women and even celebrities are getting in on the movement to normalize breastfeeding in public. Alyssa Milano has been a huge advocate for the movement, going on talk shows and posting images of herself breastfeeding her baby. She talks about how the sexualization of breasts is the reason society demands we put them away and try to force us to hide when we are feeding our babies. Living in Oregon I am happy to say I have the RIGHT to breastfeed anywhere I please. It is illegal to tell me I can’t do it and to force me to do so in a bathroom, which is an issue that occurred near me a few months ago and led to a breastfeeding sit in at that particular store. I am so thankful that I live in a right to breastfeed state, and happy to say I have never been turned away or asked to leave when feeding my little boy! I encourage you to be kind and speak kind words to those moms you see breastfeeding in public, I promise they get more negativity than kindness and could always use some kind words.
Throughout my pregnancy I was dead set that I would not gain TOO much weight, I knew realistically that I would have to gain weight in order to have a healthy baby. But honestly, watching the number on the scale go up and up made me feel awful. If there was anything I truly hated about pregnancy it was the weight gain, again I know it is necessary but it still sucks. I wanted and hoped I would only gain 25-35 pounds, but ended up gaining about 45 pounds and it was hard on my self esteem. To be honest I can tell you the exact moment I started having body image issues and self esteem issues. I was a Senior in High School getting ready for a Volleyball game when a girl came up to me in the locker room and said, “Your butt looks extra big in your spandex today.” I was completely caught off guard and for whatever reason it broke my self confidence. Looking back now I don’t think I had anything to be self conscious about, I was not overweight and had an athletic build. I have always had some sort of a booty on me though, some things God just blesses you with.
I’m on the very end on the right
When Jordan and I first started dating I was still in pretty decent shape, I was off of my crutches and cleared from an awful ankle injury from Softball. As most people know when you get into a relationship and fall in love you typically gain weight, I gained more than you should. Being an athlete most of my life I ate ALL the time and straight CARBS. These eating habits continued even when I stopped playing Softball, which is why I put on so much so quickly. I didn’t realize how much weight I had gained until 5 months after I got married, looking back it was quite obvious… To me it was no wonder there were rumors going around that the reason Jordan and I got married was because I was pregnant. I did have a gut going on but it was all fat, no baby for an excuse.
I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until December after we got married. I went to put on a pair of jeans I’ve had since my senior year of high school and I couldn’t even get them past my thighs, I had a complete mental breakdown at that moment. Jordan came into the room to find out what was going on, there he found me sitting on the floor with my jeans half way on sobbing uncontrollably. He asked me what was wrong and I cried, “None of my jeans fit me, I’ve gotten fat!!” He quickly wrapped me up in a hug and tried to console me, he’s always been so good about those kinds of things. I decided right then and there that I needed to take control of my life and do something about the weight I had gained. I had to ask my mom to fund my gym membership because I couldn’t afford one and started setting goals for myself. I was determined to get the weight off and told myself that it takes 21 days to make a habit, so I had to stick with it for at least 21 days. The first day I went to the gym I spent two hours there. You’d assume I had a killer workout, I didn’t, I walked around feeling lost and wound up walking on the treadmill for the last 45 minutes I was there. I came home to a husband who was impressed with the amount of time I was gone, but I confessed how I really spent my time and was disappointed in myself. I found myself discouraged and looking for a quick fix. I tried several different avenues including doing the Advocare 24 day challenge, Beachbody fixes, and other crash diets. Sure I lost weight initially, but I gained it right back and even a little more! Let me make this clear, these “fixes” and “challenges” are a waste of your time and money in the long run. In order to keep weight off you need to learn how to eat in a way that is maintainable and healthy for your body. The reason you gain weight back after doing these diets that require you to be on low calorie diets, is because your body goes into starvation mode and stores what you eat as fat.
I began doing research and following tons of fitness athletes on social media, looking for inspiration and tips to lose my weight. I couldn’t afford my own gym membership much less a personal trainer, I was on my own. I started out being a total cardio bunny, meaning I only did cardio, thinking this was the best way to lose weight. Then eventually discovered that weight training and cardio combined was the money maker. I got a ton of free information through Bodybuilding.com and it helped me get started on my fitness journey. I created my own meal programs based upon my research and the same goes for my workout programs. I began posting on Instagram, which drives people crazy for whatever reason, but for me it helped me stay motivated and in a way held me accountable. Overall after trying several diet fads, strict cardio, and finally weights I lost the weight over a two year period. Now it really shouldn’t have taken me as long as it did, but I did all of the wrong things first. Once I figured out the formula for success, I decided I wanted to become a personal trainer. I wanted to help people reach their goals and do it the right way. I have hit every road block and speed bump there is when it comes to weight loss and fitness journeys, I can help others overcome them and succeed. At the local gym I was a member at I made a connection with the fitness director Jeanne, she is seriously amazing! She was the first person who gave me a shot and believed in me, she helped me get my first certification and ended up hiring me to work under her in the new club they were opening. Without her I would not be where I am now, and I am so thankful to her. She also helped me prep for my first bikini competition, which was a blast! She was someone who believed in me from day one, and I will be forever grateful to her.
Same dress (in case you couldn’t tell)
Competing in a bodybuilding competition was my long term goal when first starting to lose weight. I achieved that goal two years later, and have been hooked ever since. You should NEVER go into a competition with any expectations, you never know what the judges are going to want that day. It is a very subjective sport. So for me my goal when it came to competing, was to just walk onto that stage and just feel confident in myself. I didn’t care about placing or taking home any hardware, I just wanted to be able to tell myself that I did it! Walking onto that stage my heart was pounding and my adrenalin was pumping like crazy!! From that moment on I knew this would be my new sport and I was hooked! Could I have looked better? Sure, but it was more about getting my feet wet and figuring out if this was something I would want to do again. I had never felt more confident in myself or my body, it was a fantastic experience for me!
Left: My wedding day 7/20/12 Right: Show day 06/7/14
The following spring season I decided to switch to Figure and was in prep when I found out I was pregnant. I’m not going to lie, I sobbed… I was so dedicated and motivated this prep, I was determined to take top five. Looking back now I feel like my feelings were selfish, but it is what it is. I wouldn’t trade my amazing little boy for anything in the world! But the toll the weight gain took on me mentally was more than I expected. I hate taking my clothes off and I make sure to wear baggy tops with my leggings, I’m still not back into my pre-pregnancy jeans and that kills me. I know it has only been 2 1/2 months, but I am unbelievably hard on myself. Friends and family that hear me speak negatively about my current body always remind me that I just had a baby, but that doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to me some days. The other night Jordan and I had this conversation, I told him I am not comfortable in my own skin and I feel gross. I honestly didn’t want him to touch me or see me with my shirt off, I had this irrational fear that he would be grossed out by my loose skin, stretch marks, and extra fat that displaced so nicely (NOT). He took my had and said, “You are beautiful. Even if you wanted to keep your body the way it is right now I would still love you and find you sexy. I think you are just as beautiful as the day you stepped on stage. Honestly I am thankful for the body you have now, if it weren’t for the stretch marks, loose skin, and extra pounds I wouldn’t have Grayson and that’s the best gift you have ever given me.” I seriously just sat there and cried, I felt so stupid for my irrational fears and so loved by my amazing husband. He helps me keep a positive body image and has been so supportive of my new fitness journey, I couldn’t do it without him!
To start off this new year, now that I am recovered from delivery and my emergency surgery, I am ready to jump back into my fitness routines!! I have been meal prepping for both myself and my mama bear, which has been awesome! Since moving I haven’t found anyone who understands or has similar goals health and fitness wise, so it has been really hard to keep myself motivated. Back in Idaho and working in a gym I was surrounded by people who had the same goals as I did, it made it SO easy to stay on track and focused on my fitness goals. That’s definitely one of the things I really miss about being there, having people who “get me” and understand my goals. Not to say that I have really put myself out there since we moved, I haven’t… Not even remotely. So to help myself stay motivated I have signed up for a couple of fitness related challenges and I am so excited to get going again! For me to stay motivated I need to have some sort of goal in mind, or I will inevitably fall off the wagon. Yes I’m a personal trainer, but I’m still human!
While I know my overall chances of winning a big challenge are slim, the fact that it provides me a goal makes it totally worth it! The difference between a dream and a goal is a deadline! I love that quote and it’s very applicable to my life right now. Anyway, the first challenge I signed up for is the Bodybuilding.com 250k Transformation Challenge. It runs from January 11th to April 3rd, so it’s a 12 week challenge and at the end they will choose one male and one female overall winner. There’s also the possibility of winning “People’s Choice” prizes, 5 $10,000 prizes. I signed up for this same challenge last year, shortly after I found out I was pregnant. Trying to lose weight/get shredded while pregnant aren’t usually recommended, so obviously I didn’t complete that challenge. This year I am ready to give it my all!! If you’re in need of a goal/deadline here’s the link to sign up, you must do so before Jan 10th 250K Transformation Challenge
The second challenge I signed up for is a little more personal for me. I signed up for the Jessie’s Girls 3k Challenge, which also begins January 11th. The prizes for this one are more exciting to me, $1,000 cash, a surprise visit from Jessie, and becoming a Jessie’s Girls Ambassador.
The reason this challenge is more personal for me is because I have met Jessie on two separate occasions. The second time she remembered who I was, which made me feel incredible. She meets tons of people all the time, so the fact that she remembered me made me feel special. The first time I met her I was taking the Axiom in House Certification at the Park Center location. We were on a break and she was there for a photo shoot for Bodybuilding.com. Naturally I stalked her for a little while, don’t act like you don’t do that to people you consider “celebrities”. Anyway, I noticed she had a spare moment so I approached her. She was unbelievably friendly and down to earth, she asked if I wanted a picture and had one of her camera guys take it for us. I had just lost a considerable amount of weight and she was one of my biggest inspirations. I was able to talk at length with her about my journey so far and my goals for the future, she gave me her email and told me to keep in touch. Via email we discussed my goals more in depth and especially when it came to my goal of competing in a bodybuilding competition. She advised me to not take short cuts and do it all the natural way, when it came to my body. She knew of too many women who had taken all sorts of crazy fat burners and other performance enhancing drugs, and by default had screwed up their thyroids and were going to have to be on medications for the rest of their lives. She also touched on social media, with regards to self promotion, because one of my long term goals is to become a sponsored athlete. She advised me not to “buy” followers, stay classy, and always be looking for an opportunity. Challenges such as these are my opportunities and just as she advised, I am taking them!
The second time I was able to see Jessie was at the Boise Fitness Expo. This time however I was 20 weeks pregnant and had just found out I was having a boy, I was very excited because it was a secret. My friend Andy works at Bodybuilding.com and was gracious enough to take me to the expo and get me in before everyone else, this meant I got to have a little bit more time to chat with Jessie while I was there. As soon as I walked up and said hello, she said, “I’ve met you before, haven’t I?” I said yes, but that I had crazy bright red hair the last time I saw her. I saw it click for her and she replied, “That’s right! At Axiom right?” She asked about my goals and how I was doing with everything, I told her I had competed in my first competition the year before and that I was in the middle of prep when I found out I was pregnant. She was so excited for me and was the only other person besides my husband who knew we were having a boy, it felt so good to tell someone!
She had recently put out a line of Training EBooks and had a prenatal edition, which I bought and followed through most of my pregnancy. Since then they have become incredibly popular and Jessie’s Girls have seen amazing results! Jessie has always been such an inspiration to me and becoming an Ambassador for her would be amazing! I could care less about the money, but being able to represent her and all that she stands for would be my dream!
So there’s a little bit about one of my goals for this new year and I will be posting more about my progress and journey through these challenges. Feel free to keep following along, I will also start blogging about workouts and other fitness related tips!
The Sunday before Christmas (before we were supposed to fly to Boise to visit my in-laws), Grayson began to act different and I began to feel as though something was wrong. He was struggling to nurse and would scream this horrible painful scream, I had no idea what was going on and then he started making this consistent straining sound. It was heat breaking, he was in pain and I couldn’t figure out what was happening. Things progressively got worse, I called my mom and the on call nurse to figure out what I should do because he had become inconsolable. I wound up driving him to the nearest emergency room. My mom met me there while we waited for Jordan to get there, sitting in the room I held my little boy while he cried and strained. The first moment we were alone in the room I looked at my mom and started to cry, I felt so helpless and felt like I was letting my baby boy down because I couldn’t help ease his pain. My mom assured me I was doing everything I could and that it was all going to be okay. After his examination they gave a possible diagnosis of “telescoped intestines” his presentation indicated that could be what was causing his pain, the doctor also said that it was something that can resolve itself. At that point they sent us to Randal’s Children’s Hospital in Portland.
Jordan was able to meet up with me there and I couldn’t control myself at that point, I fell into his arms and started to sob. Of course at that moment the nurse calls us back. Once in our room the doctor came in and I had to give the same information for the third time that evening. A little while later the nurses came in to draw blood and possibly start an IV. They checked him out to see where they would attempt to place this IV. For whatever reason they really struggled to hit the veins and once they did it would blow. During this they appear to be digging around for a vein while Grayson is screaming at the top of his lungs, to the point where he stops breathing. I stood over him the entire time with tears pooling in my eyes, giving him drops of sugar water and telling him how sorry I was and that it was going to be okay. This went on for what seemed like forever, before the second nurse finally hit a vein and was able to get the amount of blood they needed to run tests. They had also ordered an ultrasound to see whether or not his intestines were telescoped. The technician came in and introduced herself, she had a very thick accent and was difficult to understand but was very friendly. As she began the ultrasound I was surprised at how hard she was pushing on his belly, he began to scream again. The ultrasound took about half an hour for her to capture all of the images they needed, then we were finally able to have a bit of a break. I cradled my little boy and he finally dozed off, but those painful straining and grunting sounds continued. After a little while the doctor returned and said that so far all tests had come back negative and that he strongly suggested we test for meningitis, which involved doing a spinal tap. Knowing how serious of an illness that was we agreed to the test. A different nurse came in with the doctors to do this procedure, and she was incredible. She put her arms on my shoulders and said, “Mama listen, they are going to numb the area that they are going to go in and he is going to cry. The crying is more so from being held in the little ball that I am going to hold him in, not because it is painful. He really wont feel much after the numbing shot. Now go ahead and have a seat.” I sat down and watched this nurse position Grayson the way she told me they would, and begin to sing to him. He screamed for the first little while, but as she continued to sing to him he actually fell asleep. After another hour and a half that test also came back negative and the ultrasound showed nothing abnormal, and Grayson seemed to be doing better. He was feeding again and had a wet diaper, they decided based upon that progress to send us home until the cultures came back.
The next day he seemed like a completely different baby, my first clue was that he smiled at me that morning and the straining grunting sounds were gone. Over the course of the day Jordan and I were beginning to feel more at ease, and we went to my parents house to hang out for a little while. We both wound up falling asleep and headed home close to midnight, on the drive home we got a call from the children’s hospital that one of his cultures had come back positive and we needed to come to the ER immediately. My heart sank and the sick feeling I had in my stomach the day before had returned. I drove us straight to the children’s ER, trying to focus on driving and not allow myself to panic or break down. Once we got to the ER they placed us in a room that was completely different than the one we had been the night before, this made me uncomfortable. In this room the TV was behind a thick plastic, the blinds were inside the glass, it had strange ventilation, and there was an actual door (no sliding glass). No one would talk to us or give us any answers, finally the doctor showed up and started to explain that the culture that came back positive showed a possible bacterial infection in his blood. They needed to run more tests to confirm it and to figure out what the bacteria was, which meant more blood draws. This round was even worse… They blew every vein they tried, both hands, arms, and legs. I couldn’t take his screams anymore, it was killing me and I couldn’t hold back my tears. They informed me that they were going to try on his head, I apologized but said I would need to step out for that. Jordan and I both had to step out and I broke down completely, sobbing in his arms in the middle of the hallway. I started telling Jordan my fears that they weren’t telling us everything and that it was more serious than they were letting on, he hadn’t noticed the difference in the rooms until I pointed it out. While in the hallway we could still hear Grayson’s screams, it seemed to be taking a long time so Jordan went to check in on them. They had blown those veins as well, and still hadn’t collected enough blood to run the tests. We asked to see the doctor immediately to find out what they weren’t telling us, turns out the room is for suicide risk patients and that’s why it was different. They used it as an overflow room when needed, this immediately made us feel better.
I snuggled my little boy until he fell asleep, which wasn’t long due to how exhausted he was, it was about 4 am now and we were waiting to see what the doctor had to say. Once he came in he told us that since they were unable to collect enough blood they would either have to try to put another IV in or do a heel prick, of course we chose the latter. After pricking his heel twice they finally collected enough and sent it to the lab. Grayson fell back to sleep and the doctor returned to inform us that his test showed inflammation, that he needed antibiotics, and that we were going to be admitted. They gave him an injection of antibiotics, he still cried but it wasn’t nearly as bad as them digging for veins. We waited for another hour and were wheeled up to a room just after 5am, mind you we had been there since just after midnight, and we were exhausted. Now this room was unbelievable!! Nicer than a hotel I would say, especially for a hospital.
Same floor we were on, but different rooms.Gives you an idea of how nice our room was.
Outside of our window we had a beautiful view of Down Town Portland, there was a white board wall that read, “Welcome Grayson!” and gave all of our information as well as the plan for treatment. The couch pulled out into a bed, about the size of a queen, and they provided several linens for us. Grayson had been presenting rather healthy and pretty much okay at the time we were admitted and slept solidly. The next morning he was smiling, talking, and feeding normally which made me optimistic and hopeful that we would be home for Christmas. A little while later the pediatrician knocked on the door and came in with what seemed like an entourage behind her. Then unfolded a scene from Grey’s Anatomy, she turned to her resident and asked her to fill us in on the patient. Which she did to the other interns, it was kind of hilarious and I had to keep myself from laughing because I seriously felt like I was in an episode! After they left Jordan and I looked at each other and he said what I was thinking followed by, “I would like Dr. Yang’s opinion please!” It was pretty amusing and our little man seemed to think so too, he was giving us all kinds of smiles.
Later we were informed that we would be staying at least one more night, which was pretty disappointing news. So we settled into our room more and took a nap, when we woke up the resident had returned. She informed us that she had some great news and wanted to know if we would be interested in going home that night, of course we were! She went on to tell us that the bacteria that was found in Grayson’s blood turned out to be a contaminant, meaning the bacteria was one that’s normally found on the skin and basically harmless. That was the best news we could’ve asked for and we couldn’t wait to get our little man home! Others may disagree, but for me I saw this as our own Christmas Miracle. Our little boy was okay and we were able to go home much sooner than expected, it was great to be home for Christmas.
Two weeks after giving birth to Grayson we were up in Seattle for a work conference for Jordan. The first night we were there I noticed a small hard lump on the right side of my neck. As most people I immediately think I could have a cancerous tumor or something, and mention it to Jordan. The next day I had put the lump out of mind until we began the drive home. I started to feel crummy and even more tired than I already was, so I took a short nap on the drive home. When I woke up I began to feel pain where that small lump was, upon further inspection of the pain I noticed the lump had increased in size. I told Jordan that I needed to see a doctor immediately, and we went into the local Urgent Care that was open late. The doctor examined me and diagnosed it as a swollen lymph node, told me to put heat on it and it should be fine. I was relieved at the idea that it was nothing serious and nothing I could potentially give to our newborn.
Over the next few days this “swollen lymph node” had doubled, then tripled in size. The pain had increased significantly and I felt I should call the doctors office. I called and was told to just use heat and that was all I could do. I was irritated by this response and went back into the office to be seen by another doctor. This doctor said that she would normally send someone to the ER with this type of presentation, and she had no idea what it was. I kid you not I looked like i had a tumor on the side of my neck! It was SO big! She recommended I use pain killers and if it doesn’t get any better to go to the ER, and to tell them I was having trouble breathing (that I would triage faster). Sure enough it didn’t get better, and continued to get worse.
My mom met me at the ER after I insisted Jordan go to work. The doctor came in and examined me, and for the first time a doctor seemed to have a good idea about what it was. To be sure he ordered a CT scan. A branchial cleft cyst is what he believed it was, and that it was a pretty rare occurrence and it’s basically a birth defect. The CT results confirmed what it was and that it was infected, which is why it had swelled up and was so painful. He informed me that he would be calling in a specialist to take a look and determine what the next step would be. About an hour later the specialist showed up and also confirmed that it was this rare infected cyst, my mom had stepped out with Grayson at this point to get me some food because we had been there ALL day. Based upon the CT scan he believed the best course of action would be to aspirate it, meaning drain it with a syringe. To me that seemed like the quick and easy option to relieve the pain and decrease the swelling, so I said lets do it! He got everything prepped and injected me with a numbing shot, then started the procedure to drain the cyst. For some reason the numbing shot didn’t do the job, I felt everything and it HURT!! He was already in and instructed me to just keep breathing until he could give me another numbing shot. After a second shot he went in several other times and other angles, but the cyst wasn’t draining the way he had hoped. He started to discuss the other options with me and told me that regardless eventually I would need to have this surgically removed, but wanted to wait until the infection was cleared up. At this point I started to notice my body shaking and my teeth chattering, then I felt as if my entire body was convulsing with this extreme shaking/shivering. Mentally I felt fine but my body wouldn’t stop, I was practically bouncing on and off the bed when my mom returned with food for me. On a lighter note the doctor made a comment about how my “girlfriend” ran off with my baby, I laughed and told him that she was my mother! Anyway, back to my shaking body… My mom returned and the look on her face when she saw me bouncing was fear and worry. Through my chattering teeth I informed her that I was fine and the doctor said it was a side effect of the numbing shot, seeing as I had to have two it was more intense than usual. They did give me awesome pain medications that made me quite comical, apparently I was telling my mom that I had to drink like a horse so I didn’t spill and made other weird comments. The doctor decided that antibiotics and rest would be the best option and that I needed to see him the next day in his office.
The next day nothing had changed and the pain had only gotten worse. He was really hoping the antibiotics would kill the infection, but it didn’t seem to be doing anything. He said that they would call me the next day and ask how I was doing and I would possibly have to come into his office again. When they called things had continued to worsen and I was told to come in again. At this point he said it was only going to get worse and that he needed to take it out that night. I was instructed to leave his office and go immediately to the hospital and get prepped for surgery. The last surgery I had was my tonsils 3 years ago, I was nervous and honestly scared. Jordan kept assuring me that everything would be fine. Once we got to the hospital they had a room ready for me to change and rushed me down to the OR, I kissed my husband and baby before they wheeled me in and tried not to cry. All of the doctors and nurses in the OR were super nice and made me feel at ease. I laid on the table and the next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. After a little while there I was wheeled out to see my family, then wheeled up to the room I changed in originally. They briefed me on the incision site and the pump they had placed in there to continually drain the area. I did everything I needed to be able to go home that evening, and was prescribed pain and nausea medications.
I would have a week of recovery before seeing the doctor again for a follow up. It was the week of Thanksgiving, I know right?? I had to be picked up by my mama every day so she could help take care of me and Grayson, my medications basically made me worthless. Without them however, I felt like I wanted to die. I was SO sore and felt like crap, needless to say it was an awful week!! At my follow up visit the doctor removed my stitches and the pump, the removal of the pump was an instantaneous relief. I could not believe it. As I was debriefed about the surgery the doctor asked me if I remembered talking to him about the fact that I was a personal trainer and competed in bodybuilding competitions. I most definitely did not remember that conversation! He chuckled, assuming I didn’t but followed that up with asking if I specifically trained my neck muscles. I told him I didn’t and asked him why, he said that he couldn’t believe how strong my neck muscles were and that they had to clamp it back because the nurse was unable to hold them. I laughed and said I would take that as a compliment! Since then I have finally felt like myself again and still look like I survived a slasher movie, but I am incredibly thankful for the successful surgery and recovery!
October 29th at 10pm Jordan and I checked into the hospital, I was scheduled to be induced the morning of October 30th at 6am. Before this we had two false alarms in one weekend, one being intense braxton hicks and the other I basically peed myself. Embarrassing right? After that we pretty much refused to take any sort of “contractions” seriously. At 41 weeks our little man was refusing to vacate, hence the induction. The night we checked in we had a final dinner with my family at the most amazing Mexican restaurant in Gresham called Mojave. It’s kind of my favorite. The bags were packed and loaded, dogs were boarded, and we were enjoying our final evening before becoming parents. My heart raced through the entire meal and time seemed to be flying all of a sudden, seeing as it seemed to be crawling before that. Before I knew it, it was time to head to the hospital. I was unbelievably nervous and excited at the same time. I was ready to meet my little man and just plain ready to be done being pregnant! I wish I could say I was too excited and nervous to sleep, but I was exhausted from being pregnant. Next thing I knew they were waking me up to let me know that they will be inducing me later than originally planned. The two hours seemed to crawl by until they finally hooked me up to pitocin and broke my water. Now I don’t know how easily most women’s bag of waters breaks, but mine was not even remotely easy. It was unbelievably uncomfortable and took a few tries before it finally broke. After a short period of time I was finally going into labor.
With labor beginning I had to remember that our plan was to hold off on the epidural until I was at least 6cm’s dilated. Before actually being in labor it sounded like an easy plan. During labor however, was a different story entirely. I could handle the contractions without too much issue, but what was unexpectedly awful was the rectal pressure I was experiencing. I know TMI sorry, but I didn’t realize how big our baby was and his head was causing a ridiculous amount of pressure inside of me. I became nauseous and yelled for Jordan to get me something to vomit in. When the nurse came in to check on me I had to ask for some sort of pain medication to help me until I could get my epidural. The medication helped the first dose, but as things progressed it became less and less effective. I was dealing with labor in the ways that I felt most comfortable, none of which involved being in the bed. I was bouncing on the ball, rotating my hips, and squatting. The pressure was increasing more and more, I was not at 6cm when the anesthesiologist came to inform me that she was going into a surgery and wouldn’t be able to give my epidural until she was done. At the time I told her and myself that I could push through until I hit 6cm and she returned from surgery. Boy was I wrong… I was miserable from the pressure and nausea. The nurses suggested I get in the tub thinking it would ease my labor, it didn’t even remotely. Once I was in the tub I felt the urge to vomit again, I literally felt like my butt was going to explode from all of the pressure. Again sorry for the TMI. I sat in the tub until we got word that the anesthesiologist was done with her surgery and ready to give my epidural, two hours after she had asked if I could manage until she was finished. I started to tear up because I didn’t feel like I had the energy or the strength to get out of the stupid tub. Jordan being the amazing husband he is, gave me a pep talk and helped pull my pregnant butt out of that stupid tub. “Do it for the epidural!”, “This is for the epidural!”, “You can do it!”, were all things he kept saying to me even as I threw up on my way out of the tub. I have always been told I had a crazy tolerance for pain, I still think I do, but labor gave me a run for my money. I was ready for my epidural! As soon as it was delivered I immediately felt relief from the pressure, Jordan noticed a smile on my face and laughingly told the nurses I was all good now! After that I was allowed to sleep, good lord did I need it too! They woke me every 40 mins to flip sides so that my epidural would spread evenly, but I got SO much rest! Jordan was able to sleep during this time as well.
After a couple of hours of on and off sleep for me, they checked my cervix again and I was fully dilated at 10cm! They were going to get my midwife and let me know it was about time to start pushing. I kept asking the nurse to wake Jordan up for me, but for some reason she kept insisting I let him sleep until I was ready to start pushing. Shift change came and our new nurse Carly came in, I asked her to wake Jordan up for me and she did so without question telling him I was at 10cm and ready to push. He sprang up and couldn’t believe I progressed so quickly and asked why no one woke him up sooner. June arrived and instructed Carly to help me start pushing, after 20 mins I had made so much progress it surprised June and Carly, they could already see his blonde hair. They made the assumption that I would be able to push this guy out in a short amount of time. Obviously this excited me, but they were very very wrong… He was stuck and couldn’t progress further, as instructed I continued to push and try to get him past the point that he was stuck for 2 hours. In my head I began to wonder what would happen if I couldn’t get him through, would they to a C-Section? Finally June suggested a small cut that she thought would allow him to pass through where he was stuck, I agreed and she made the cut. After making the cut she instructed the nurses to stand on either side of me “in case of shoulders”, I didn’t quite understand but put it aside in my mind. 30 mins later his not so little head finally came out and then things got scary and intense… June shouted shoulders to the nurses and both jumped on my belly, pushing back and forth with every ounce of strength they had. Up until then I maintained my composure and was not a “screamer” as some women are, but at that moment I could not control the sound that came out of my mouth. The pain was unbelievable and I was unprepared for such an aggressive tactic to get his stuck shoulders through. I closed my eyes as Jordan jumped in front of my face and thought I might pass out, the next thing I knew I felt a heaviness on my belly and heard a soft cry. My eyes were still closed when Jordan began exclaiming, “He’s here! Oh my God, he’s here! You did it baby!”. I opened my eyes and immediately began to cry, there on my belly was our little miracle. I looked at Jordan, who was also crying and said “I did it baby, I did it!”. He leaned down planting a kiss on me and responded with, “You did so good baby! He’s perfect.”. After delayed clamping Jordan cut his umbilical cord, which was tougher than expected, and they moved Grayson up onto my chest. In pure Grayson fashion, he broke the emotional moment when we discovered that he had pooped ALL OVER me! It was freaking hilarious! Jordan and I looked at each other and said, “That’s our boy!”.
Once Grayson entered the world things got a little scary again, June was working tirelessly to stop the bleeding and get my placenta to deliver. Usually it takes about 20 mins for it to deliver, it had been about an hour at this point. Finally she was able to deliver it, she and the nurses were caught by surprise when they saw my placenta. Apparently it was “beefy”, several other nurses came in and out to look at it… Weird. June talked to me once things were all good and told me that nothing about my labor and delivery was easy. That I had a “tough bag of waters, a perineum of steel (from all of my exercising apparently), a big baby boy, and a beefy placenta”, but that I did so good and that Grayson was beautiful. Our families were able to come in a couple of hours after I delivered and the nurses weighed him while we were all together. My short 5’6 self delivered a 9lb 5oz baby boy, he was HUGE!! Our families were able to hang out and spend time with all of us, so many tears of joy and happiness were shared. This was the best day of our lives!
Fit Mom Happy Life 