Weight Gain & Body Image

Throughout my pregnancy I was dead set that I would not gain TOO much weight, I knew realistically that I would have to gain weight in order to have a healthy baby. But honestly, watching the number on the scale go up and up made me feel awful. If there was anything I truly hated about pregnancy it was the weight gain, again I know it is necessary but it still sucks. I wanted and hoped I would only gain 25-35 pounds, but ended up gaining about 45 pounds and it was hard on my self esteem. To be honest I can tell you the exact moment I started having body image issues and self esteem issues. I was a Senior in High School getting ready for a Volleyball game when a girl came up to me in the locker room and said, “Your butt looks extra big in your spandex today.” I was completely caught off guard and for whatever reason it broke my self confidence. Looking back now I don’t think I had anything to be self conscious about, I was not overweight and had an athletic build. I have always had some sort of a booty on me though, some things God just blesses you with.

When Jordan and I first started dating I was still in pretty decent shape, I was off of my crutches and cleared from an awful ankle injury from Softball. As most people know when you get into a relationship and fall in love you typically gain weight, I gained more than you should. Being an athlete most of my life I ate ALL the time and straight CARBS. These eating habits continued even when I stopped playing Softball, which is why I put on so much so quickly. I didn’t realize how much weight I had gained until 5 months after I got married, looking back it was quite obvious… To me it was no wonder there were rumors going around that the reason Jordan and I got married was because I was pregnant. I did have a gut going on but it was all fat, no baby for an excuse.

I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until December after we got married. I went to put on a pair of jeans I’ve had since my senior year of high school and I couldn’t even get them past my thighs, I had a complete mental breakdown at that moment. Jordan came into the room to find out what was going on, there he found me sitting on the floor with my jeans half way on sobbing uncontrollably. He asked me what was wrong and I cried, “None of my jeans fit me, I’ve gotten fat!!” He quickly wrapped me up in a hug and tried to console me, he’s always been so good about those kinds of things. I decided right then and there that I needed to take control of my life and do something about the weight I had gained. I had to ask my mom to fund my gym membership because I couldn’t afford one and started setting goals for myself. I was determined to get the weight off and told myself that it takes 21 days to make a habit, so I had to stick with it for at least 21 days. The first day I went to the gym I spent two hours there. You’d assume I had a killer workout, I didn’t, I walked around feeling lost and wound up walking on the treadmill for the last 45 minutes I was there. I came home to a husband who was impressed with the amount of time I was gone, but I confessed how I really spent my time and was disappointed in myself. I found myself discouraged and looking for a quick fix. I tried several different avenues including doing the Advocare 24 day challenge, Beachbody fixes, and other crash diets. Sure I lost weight initially, but I gained it right back and even a little more! Let me make this clear, these “fixes” and “challenges” are a waste of your time and money in the long run. In order to keep weight off you need to learn how to eat in a way that is maintainable and healthy for your body. The reason you gain weight back after doing these diets that require you to be on low calorie diets, is because your body goes into starvation mode and stores what you eat as fat.

I began doing research and following tons of fitness athletes on social media, looking for inspiration and tips to lose my weight. I couldn’t afford my own gym membership much less a personal trainer, I was on my own. I started out being a total cardio bunny, meaning I only did cardio, thinking this was the best way to lose weight. Then eventually discovered that weight training and cardio combined was the money maker. I got a ton of free information through Bodybuilding.com and it helped me get started on my fitness journey. I created my own meal programs based upon my research and the same goes for my workout programs. I began posting on Instagram, which drives people crazy for whatever reason, but for me it helped me stay motivated and in a way held me accountable. Overall after trying several diet fads, strict cardio, and finally weights I lost the weight over a two year period. Now it really shouldn’t have taken me as long as it did, but I did all of the wrong things first. Once I figured out the formula for success, I decided I wanted to become a personal trainer. I wanted to help people reach their goals and do it the right way. I have hit every road block and speed bump there is when it comes to weight loss and fitness journeys, I can help others overcome them and succeed. At the local gym I was a member at I made a connection with the fitness director Jeanne, she is seriously amazing! She was the first person who gave me a shot and believed in me, she helped me get my first certification and ended up hiring me to work under her in the new club they were opening. Without her I would not be where I am now, and I am so thankful to her. She also helped me prep for my first bikini competition, which was a blast! She was someone who believed in me from day one, and I will be forever grateful to her.

Competing in a bodybuilding competition was my long term goal when first starting to lose weight. I achieved that goal two years later, and have been hooked ever since. You should NEVER go into a competition with any expectations, you never know what the judges are going to want that day. It is a very subjective sport. So for me my goal when it came to competing, was to just walk onto that stage and just feel confident in myself. I didn’t care about placing or taking home any hardware, I just wanted to be able to tell myself that I did it! Walking onto that stage my heart was pounding and my adrenalin was pumping like crazy!! From that moment on I knew this would be my new sport and I was hooked! Could I have looked better? Sure, but it was more about getting my feet wet and figuring out if this was something I would want to do again. I had never felt more confident in myself or my body, it was a fantastic experience for me!

The following spring season I decided to switch to Figure and was in prep when I found out I was pregnant. I’m not going to lie, I sobbed… I was so dedicated and motivated this prep, I was determined to take top five. Looking back now I feel like my feelings were selfish, but it is what it is. I wouldn’t trade my amazing little boy for anything in the world! But the toll the weight gain took on me mentally was more than I expected. I hate taking my clothes off and I make sure to wear baggy tops with my leggings, I’m still not back into my pre-pregnancy jeans and that kills me. I know it has only been 2 1/2 months, but I am unbelievably hard on myself. Friends and family that hear me speak negatively about my current body always remind me that I just had a baby, but that doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to me some days. The other night Jordan and I had this conversation, I told him I am not comfortable in my own skin and I feel gross. I honestly didn’t want him to touch me or see me with my shirt off, I had this irrational fear that he would be grossed out by my loose skin, stretch marks, and extra fat that displaced so nicely (NOT). He took my had and said, “You are beautiful. Even if you wanted to keep your body the way it is right now I would still love you and find you sexy. I think you are just as beautiful as the day you stepped on stage. Honestly I am thankful for the body you have now, if it weren’t for the stretch marks, loose skin, and extra pounds I wouldn’t have Grayson and that’s the best gift you have ever given me.” I seriously just sat there and cried, I felt so stupid for my irrational fears and so loved by my amazing husband. He helps me keep a positive body image and has been so supportive of my new fitness journey, I couldn’t do it without him!