Month: February 2016

Like most new moms I’ve been posting pictures of Grayson and status describing hilarious and precious moments, and like most moms I leave out the rough parts. Before becoming a mom I was under the impression that motherhood was pretty much sunshine and daisies, let me be completely honest with you… IT’S NOT. Not to say that I don’t enjoy being a mother because I do very much, but there is a whole other side I was not expecting. There’s the side that includes sleepless nights, cranky mom, short fuses, and just plain exhaustion.

I will be the first to admit that when I say short fuses I mean mine, and to be perfectly honest my fuse is so short I might as well not have one these days. I know it’s due to lack of sleep for the most part and I should practice patience, but I honestly can’t control it most of the time. Seriously, I lose my mind over the most trivial and pointless things. I hate it! I’m normally a very upbeat, happy, and nice person but these days I hardly recognize myself behind closed doors. I am mean and nasty when I lose it, and it happens more than I would like to admit. My husband takes the brunt of it every time, and he doesn’t always deserve it. He will be the first to admit there are times when he does, but there are also times where he definitely doesn’t.

For example, this entire last week Grayson has been up almost every hour on the hour every night. Meaning so was I, and I still am exhausted and cranky. One of those nights I shouted at Jordan that I needed a break and he needed to get up and take care of Grayson, which he did while reminding me I didn’t have to shout and that he was happy to help out. In the moment that reminder only irritated me, and it had only been building over the last few days. Grayson was screaming and Jordan asked when he was last fed (thinking maybe he was hungry), and for whatever irrational reason I took that as I was willing to let him scream instead of feeding my supposedly starving child. In an angry huff I got up to take Grayson back and Jordan kept telling me that it was fine and he had it under control, all while avoiding my physical attempts to take Grayson. I am not proud to admit that at this point I went into a blind fit of rage and chucked a dirty diaper at Jordan’s crotchular area. Yeah I know, not cool and like I said I’m not proud of it but these moments happen. After coming to my senses I apologized profusely about my irrational overreaction. Jordan was only trying to do what I asked and attempting to help me, but exhaustion and my short fuse got the best of me that night.

Another example that was not so aggressive, was just the other night where we were up all night long and I had reached my breaking point.  Again I asked Jordan for a break and this time I wasn’t really able to get one and I became frustrated. I handed our screaming child to my husband and I went out into the living room, still being able to hear his screaming and cried. I allowed myself to have a good hard cry before going back into our room and trying to be helpful in the moment. Obviously this was an example of how I would rather react in situations like these, but lets be real… We are not always rational.

After dealing with moments like these and ripping off my husband’s head over and over again, he asked me a question. One that he did not ask to upset or offend me but genuinely wanted to know the answer to. He asked me if after dealing with all of this if I would really ever want to do it again. I responded without hesitation that yes, I would do it again because I would know what to expect. After all of the sleepless nights, frustrations, fights, emotional blowouts, diaper blowouts, screaming fits, and mutual exhaustion it’s all worth it when I see his sweet little smile and remember how unconditionally I love my son. I am also so unbelievably in love with my incredible husband who not only has put up with my irrational anger, but has still loved me every step of the way. I couldn’t imagine my life without either of my boys!

The title of this post really says it all… I can’t believe he’s mine. I stare in amazement at this little man of mine daily, he is the greatest blessing I have ever received (next to his father). Throughout my pregnancy and even now still, I call him my miracle baby. Why? Because from the time I was 16 I was told I couldn’t have kids, or that it would be extremely difficult for me to conceive. Even at 16 I knew I wanted to have kids someday, so hearing that really broke my heart. I had been diagnosed with PCOS, which is a syndrome where you get cysts on your ovaries. For me some ruptured every time I had a period, which was excruciatingly painful and usually landed me in bed for a few days. If you’re curious or want more info about PCOS you can click here.

I put what my doctors had told me in the back of my mind, until I started dating Jordan. I knew this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and be the father of my children. I remember tearful conversations before and after we were engaged, about my fear of not being able to have children. He always assured me that it would all be okay, but I could never let that fear go. I was terrified that I would not be able to do the one thing a woman was designed to do, and there was nothing I could do about it at the time. Once Jordan and I were engaged my amazing mother said something to Jordan and I that still means the world to me, she told me that if I was unable to conceive that she would be willing to be a surrogate for us. How selfless and incredible is that?? It was quickly followed by a comment from my dad, “Don’t worry Jordan, you don’t have to have sex with her!” Always the comedian my father!

Within the first year of our marriage I was overcome with baby fever. I wanted to have a baby SO BAD! However, I’m glad we waited. We had three great years of spending time together and bonding as husband and wife. As I said before, there were several tearful conversations about the possibility of not being able to conceive and that trying sooner would increase chances some. We talked about me getting off of birth control and just not preventing at some point. I never wanted to feel like we were trying, I knew if I had that mentality I would be disappointed if it wasn’t happening. We had decided around this time last year that we still weren’t ready to take the leap and get off birth control. I began prep for my figure competition and had set several goals for myself for 2015, then I was late…

My body was like clockwork, I was never late… EVER. I always kept a pregnancy test under the bathroom sink, just in case and I decided I should take it to ease my mind. I didn’t even finish peeing on the stick before it showed an obvious plus sign. I was in absolute shock… home alone and in shock! I facetimed Jordan after I was able to breathe, I wanted to show him the positive test and he couldn’t believe it either. I had already burst into tears and told him I would go to the store and buy another one. Three brands and 4 sticks later there was no question, my eggo was prego.

Once we finally came to terms and the fog lifted on the fact that our lives were about to change forever, we started to share the news. I came up with the idea to do a super cute pregnancy announcement by our amazing friend Lacey, it was Seahawks related so Jordan was on board. 

Fast forward a few months and we were at our ultrasound appointment to find out our baby’s gender. Honestly I swore we were having a girl, I had several dreams that I was having a little girl so it had to be so! Jordan wanted a boy SO bad! When people asked what I wanted I would always say I didn’t care I just wanted a healthy baby, gender didn’t matter to me. The fact that I was pregnant at all seemed like such a miracle to me, why would I care whether or not it was a boy or a girl? We were sitting there watching our baby headbutt my bladder repeatedly and then after several required images it was finally time. She had a perfect angle from below of right between the legs and she asked what we thought it was. Jordan immediately shouts, “IS THAT A PENIS?! IT’S A BOY?!” Sure enough it was a penis and we were having a little boy to my surprise! We decided on his name shortly there after, Grayson Paul Lang. He was named after his Grandpa Donald Paul Lang and his Great Grandpa Paul Hopper, both of these men mean so much to us and it seemed like the perfect way to honor them.

From the first ultrasound I knew I was in love, but I never imagined the love I felt for this tiny human the first time I saw him, heard him cry, and held him in my arms. Daily he changes and time seems to just fly by. I’m doing everything I can to cherish every moment with him, even on those rough nights/days I can’t help but remember how blessed I am to have this little boy. It’s an understatement to say that he is my whole world, he’s so much more than that. I will look at him everyday for the rest of my life thinking, “I can’t believe he is mine.”