The Struggle Is Real…

Like most new moms I’ve been posting pictures of Grayson and status describing hilarious and precious moments, and like most moms I leave out the rough parts. Before becoming a mom I was under the impression that motherhood was pretty much sunshine and daisies, let me be completely honest with you… IT’S NOT. Not to say that I don’t enjoy being a mother because I do very much, but there is a whole other side I was not expecting. There’s the side that includes sleepless nights, cranky mom, short fuses, and just plain exhaustion.

I will be the first to admit that when I say short fuses I mean mine, and to be perfectly honest my fuse is so short I might as well not have one these days. I know it’s due to lack of sleep for the most part and I should practice patience, but I honestly can’t control it most of the time. Seriously, I lose my mind over the most trivial and pointless things. I hate it! I’m normally a very upbeat, happy, and nice person but these days I hardly recognize myself behind closed doors. I am mean and nasty when I lose it, and it happens more than I would like to admit. My husband takes the brunt of it every time, and he doesn’t always deserve it. He will be the first to admit there are times when he does, but there are also times where he definitely doesn’t.

For example, this entire last week Grayson has been up almost every hour on the hour every night. Meaning so was I, and I still am exhausted and cranky. One of those nights I shouted at Jordan that I needed a break and he needed to get up and take care of Grayson, which he did while reminding me I didn’t have to shout and that he was happy to help out. In the moment that reminder only irritated me, and it had only been building over the last few days. Grayson was screaming and Jordan asked when he was last fed (thinking maybe he was hungry), and for whatever irrational reason I took that as I was willing to let him scream instead of feeding my supposedly starving child. In an angry huff I got up to take Grayson back and Jordan kept telling me that it was fine and he had it under control, all while avoiding my physical attempts to take Grayson. I am not proud to admit that at this point I went into a blind fit of rage and chucked a dirty diaper at Jordan’s crotchular area. Yeah I know, not cool and like I said I’m not proud of it but these moments happen. After coming to my senses I apologized profusely about my irrational overreaction. Jordan was only trying to do what I asked and attempting to help me, but exhaustion and my short fuse got the best of me that night.

Another example that was not so aggressive, was just the other night where we were up all night long and I had reached my breaking point.  Again I asked Jordan for a break and this time I wasn’t really able to get one and I became frustrated. I handed our screaming child to my husband and I went out into the living room, still being able to hear his screaming and cried. I allowed myself to have a good hard cry before going back into our room and trying to be helpful in the moment. Obviously this was an example of how I would rather react in situations like these, but lets be real… We are not always rational.

After dealing with moments like these and ripping off my husband’s head over and over again, he asked me a question. One that he did not ask to upset or offend me but genuinely wanted to know the answer to. He asked me if after dealing with all of this if I would really ever want to do it again. I responded without hesitation that yes, I would do it again because I would know what to expect. After all of the sleepless nights, frustrations, fights, emotional blowouts, diaper blowouts, screaming fits, and mutual exhaustion it’s all worth it when I see his sweet little smile and remember how unconditionally I love my son. I am also so unbelievably in love with my incredible husband who not only has put up with my irrational anger, but has still loved me every step of the way. I couldn’t imagine my life without either of my boys!