Well I’ve truly been neglecting my blog, apologies to those who follow regularly! Anywho, I feel as though it is time that I open up and share about how I’ve been feeling and dealing with all of the changes I’ve been experiencing since giving birth. Seeing as it has been awhile I feel I should fill y’all in on what’s been happening before getting into the real topic of this post. Grayson is now just about 8 months old, weighs a whopping 20lbs, is a crawling and standing machine, has cut his first tooth, and now says “mama” constantly! Things have been great on the motherhood front, aside from lack of sleep of course.
Getting back on topic, I am now about 8 months postpartum and am the heaviest I have been in years. To add to that I am the most self conscious, uncomfortable, and disgusted with my body than I have been in years. I went from someone who was overweight, to someone who was physically fit and confident, to a pregnant woman, and finally to a new mom who absolutely hates her body. Even while I was pregnant I loved the changes and loved watching my belly grow, but the aftermath of birth was a different story. I was left with fat stores in places I never had excess fat before, cellulite, stretch marks, loose skin, and a complex.
I constantly talk negative about myself, make fat jokes about myself, and refer to myself as “Obese Denise” and “Flabby Abby”(yes, both are Pitch Perfect 2 references). I laugh and make light of my negative self talk, but underneath my mask I really believe and feel that way about myself. I look at pictures of myself and all I see is a massive tub of lard or a whale. I find myself full of self loathing and quite honestly pretty depressed. Depressed?? I have just been blessed with a wonderful child and a new home, how on earth could I be depressed?? It’s actually quite common and isn’t something to be ashamed of. I’m at a point now where I have realized that myself, and I have been doing things to change that. I have started getting serious about losing my baby weight, in fact I have lost 8lbs already! Yay me! I have some wonderful people in my life who constantly tell me how great I look after having a kid, or to remember that I just had a baby and to quit being so hard on myself (but that excuse now seems invalid to me anymore). Their words truly mean a lot to me, but for whatever reason I cannot seem to believe it.
I have what is called Body Dysmorphic Disorder, feel free to click on the link to learn more about it. This causes me to see things with my body that others don’t and obsess over them. I also tend to see myself as ugly or undesirable. I will sit and look at myself in the mirror and do nothing but tell myself how disgusting and fat I look. It’s not healthy. I am not opening up about this in order to receive attention, I am opening up about it because it is a common problem that most people don’t talk about. I want others who are going through the same thing to know that they are not alone. I know that I have this problem and I know several things I can do to assure I am working towards being happy with myself.
This last weekend we made a trip up to Coeur d’alene Idaho and spent time at Silverwood, an amazing amusement/water park. It was meant to be a fun weekend, but all I could think about was how I was going to cover my body up and how uncomfortable I knew I was going to feel. I went out and bought a new swim suit that covered my stomach and made sure to pack shorts to cover my self even more. As we were pulling up to the parking lot I knew these feelings were going to make this day miserable for me. I needed to do something. The walk to the park was about 20mins, this gave me even more time to ponder my feelings and emotions. I was still dreading the part of the day where we were going to be in the water… But then it hit me. Grayson is not going to remember my muffin top. He’s not going to remember my cellulite. What he’s going to remember are the wonderful times we’ve had. Yes I know he won’t remember this trip, but you get the picture. 😉
Fit Mom Happy Life 