2018 In A Nutshell

2018 was probably one of the most difficult year of my life, and yet I grew so much as a person. I don’t plan on going into much detail, but will try to be as transparent as I can be while respecting the other parties involved. In this day and age with social media, there is really an epidemic of “fake happiness” being portrayed. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I painted a very pretty picture of my life on all of my social media platforms, the truth is that behind closed doors it was not as pretty as I made it out to be…

As my relationship began to crumble I was faced with the paralyzing fear of starting over and being alone for the first time in seven years. I got married very young, I was only 20 years old, and unfortunately people change and grow apart. We began our separation in April of last year and began divorce proceedings shortly there after.

Overall I have to say that 2018 almost broke me. I have never been so depressed, heartbroken, or lost as I had been throughout the majority of that year. My heart was shattered into what felt like a million pieces, I have never felt such heartbreak or pain before. I play it off like I’m a tough girl who never cries and can handle anything life throws at her. Keeping up with my current transparency levels, I cannot even count the number of times I cried while I was home alone, in my car, or in the shower. As I was adjusting to the new normal of not always having my son, I spent hours crying on the other side of the door after I handed him off to his dad.

I became so afraid of being alone that I would make plans to go out with old and new friends constantly. I refused to be alone with my thoughts and especially my feelings. Unlike most other females I know, I do not show my emotions and I hate when people see me cry. Instead I shove my emotions down into the depths of my soul, slap a smile on my face, and act like my life is perfectly fine. I fake it until I make it, but I have a dead giveaway I didn’t realize… I hold a lot of pain behind my eyes. If you take a second and look close enough, you’ll see it. All of the tears I was constantly holding back and all of the pain I tried so hard to bury.

I make jokes and make light of my pain and my experiences, because that’s how I deal with things. I immersed myself in the gym, taking care of my son, and began rebuilding my life. I moved out of the home I shared with my husband in August, I was forced to rehome half of my furry family. Thankfully I was able to bring my Quinn Bear with me. To some people she may just be a dog, but to me she has always been my cuddle buddy and my shoulder to cry on. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her or my son, they were the only things that helped me make it through some of my darkest days last year. We started our new lives together with my roommates and started navigating our new normal.

They say things come in threes… Heartbreak, divorce, and the third. Just when I thought my life was coming back together, things began to break all over again. I got a call from my Mom that I needed to go see my Grandma as soon as possible because she was not doing well. I went immediately and was able to spend the last few days with her. My Grandma Lupe was an incredible self made woman who had a huge impact on my life and was a big part of why I am the way I am. She raised my Mom to be a strong independent woman who could take care of herself, in turn my Mom raised me the same way. I am so grateful for the way these amazing women raised me, I don’t know where I would be if they hadn’t raised me in such a way.

My Grandma had been suffering from Alzheimer’s and Dementia for several years. Her battle came to an end on Christmas Eve of 2018. When I got the call I could hear the quiver in my Mom’s voice and I knew… I felt myself slide down the wall I had leaned against for support, I came to rest with my knees at my chest while whimpering “No Mama, no…” Hearing my Mom on the other side of the phone saying, “I’m sorry Mija, it’s going to be okay…” all through her own tears. After ending the phone call, the dam finally broke… All of the pain, heartache, and sadness I had been bottling up poured out of me while I sat alone. I cannot describe the amount of sorrow that poured out of me, I didn’t think it was even possible.

As we prepared to go back home, I continually told myself that I needed to keep it together. This was my time to be strong for my Sister and for my Mom, I needed to keep it together for them and be their shoulder to cry on. So I did what I always do, I shoved my feelings deep down and slapped my “I got this” face on. I wasn’t perfect in my eyes, I broke down at several points throughout the weekend. I had to be reminded that it was okay for me to not be okay on more than one occasion. It took constant convincing, but eventually I started listening.

2018 chewed me up, spit me out, and then stomped on me. 2019 is me getting back up, dusting myself off, and saying “You hit like a Bitch”. This is my comeback year and big things are happening y’all… Stay tuned!