Category: A Day In The Life

I don’t know about all y’all, but I cannot believe the amount of “Mom Shaming” that goes around. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told I was selfish for putting my child in kid’s club so I can workout everyday just so I can be a “fit mom”. Or how selfish I am that I choose to be a working mom, instead of spending every waking moment with my child. On the other hand, I’ve seen and heard people shaming stay at home moms for a variety of reasons. STOP IT!! It’s ridiculous, I know I am by no means a “perfect mom” and I don’t try and pretend that I am. I’m that mom that makes jokes while dealing with a screaming toddler in front of a crowd of people in Target. “This is why I can’t have nice things.” or “Motherhood at its finest! Birth control kids… birth control.”

Now, I make these kind of jokes because that’s how I deal with uncomfortable situations. I wouldn’t trade my kid for anything in the world, he’s the greatest. He can be a real asshole sometimes, but what kid isn’t? Or adult for that matter. But knowing people are looking at you in such a judgmental way really sets me off. “Oh I’m sorry that my kid isn’t as perfect as yours Susan. We all know your kids would NEVER act like that… EVER.” These people sit on a throne of lies. So let them judge me or any other mom, we all know the truth. All kids have asshole moments, it’s life. No child is perfect all the time… don’t feed into the lies.

I am shocked that anyone would shame a mother who is making her health a priority. I go to the gym 5-6 days a week, I exercise for a variety of reasons. One, I have severe depression and anxiety. SURPRISE!! Bet you didn’t see that coming! Exercise is the most underused anti depression and anti anxiety “drug” on the planet. I need to take care of my mental health in order to successfully take care of my child. Does it hurt that exercise makes your body look pretty good? Hell no, it’s a perk!! Two, I want to be able to keep up with the Tasmanian devil that is my child. I want to be able to chase him down if he runs off or just play tag. I want to be able to join him in any and all physical activities with him at the park or anywhere else. I could go on and on about why I exercise and am classified as a “fit mom”, but I’ll save that for another time and post.

I tried the whole stay at home mom thing after I had Grayson. Let me start by saying I have MAD RESPECT for all of you stay at home moms out there. Y’all are amazing! My situation after I gave birth was this… I had just moved to the Portland area, I had no friends, a busy family, and a husband who worked full time. While he was working hard to support our family I spent most of my time alone at home with my son. I have always had a working mentality, it was engrained in me from a young age. I would do some online personal training to fill my time and feel like I was contributing to the household. After 3 months of being a stay at home mom, I couldn’t do it anymore. I was going stir crazy and on top of that, we were struggling financially. So I went back to work. I heard over and over from new people I met or chatted with about how they can’t believe I would leave my child and go back to work. “How sad for you Erika.” “Well Susan, you see… Some of us can’t live on a single income. Some of us have to work multiple jobs just to get by.” Yes, Susan is my go to name for everything. It just seems so fitting.

I love being a working mom. It’s a bit more difficult these days as I am now a single working mom, but we make it work! I work hard and I am extremely goal oriented, always working toward something. I give it my all in the motherhood department and it’s hard. Definitely one of the hardest, yet rewarding, things I’ve ever done in this life. I wish that everyone would take a step back and realize how hard being a parent really is. Then maybe they’d cut us some slack when they come across a mother trying to calm a screaming child. I know I do! I’ve even called out friends for complaining about a child throwing a fit, “How would you feel if that was you in that situation? Would you want others to look at you appalled that your child is human and can’t handle emotions well? No? Cool, stop judging.”

Long story short… We’re all doing the best we can, with what we’ve got. Next time you see a mom struggling, smile instead of giving a side eye. Be understanding, not judgmental. To all you Moms out there… YOU ARE AMAZING!!!

 

2018 was probably one of the most difficult year of my life, and yet I grew so much as a person. I don’t plan on going into much detail, but will try to be as transparent as I can be while respecting the other parties involved. In this day and age with social media, there is really an epidemic of “fake happiness” being portrayed. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I painted a very pretty picture of my life on all of my social media platforms, the truth is that behind closed doors it was not as pretty as I made it out to be…

As my relationship began to crumble I was faced with the paralyzing fear of starting over and being alone for the first time in seven years. I got married very young, I was only 20 years old, and unfortunately people change and grow apart. We began our separation in April of last year and began divorce proceedings shortly there after.

Overall I have to say that 2018 almost broke me. I have never been so depressed, heartbroken, or lost as I had been throughout the majority of that year. My heart was shattered into what felt like a million pieces, I have never felt such heartbreak or pain before. I play it off like I’m a tough girl who never cries and can handle anything life throws at her. Keeping up with my current transparency levels, I cannot even count the number of times I cried while I was home alone, in my car, or in the shower. As I was adjusting to the new normal of not always having my son, I spent hours crying on the other side of the door after I handed him off to his dad.

I became so afraid of being alone that I would make plans to go out with old and new friends constantly. I refused to be alone with my thoughts and especially my feelings. Unlike most other females I know, I do not show my emotions and I hate when people see me cry. Instead I shove my emotions down into the depths of my soul, slap a smile on my face, and act like my life is perfectly fine. I fake it until I make it, but I have a dead giveaway I didn’t realize… I hold a lot of pain behind my eyes. If you take a second and look close enough, you’ll see it. All of the tears I was constantly holding back and all of the pain I tried so hard to bury.

I make jokes and make light of my pain and my experiences, because that’s how I deal with things. I immersed myself in the gym, taking care of my son, and began rebuilding my life. I moved out of the home I shared with my husband in August, I was forced to rehome half of my furry family. Thankfully I was able to bring my Quinn Bear with me. To some people she may just be a dog, but to me she has always been my cuddle buddy and my shoulder to cry on. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her or my son, they were the only things that helped me make it through some of my darkest days last year. We started our new lives together with my roommates and started navigating our new normal.

They say things come in threes… Heartbreak, divorce, and the third. Just when I thought my life was coming back together, things began to break all over again. I got a call from my Mom that I needed to go see my Grandma as soon as possible because she was not doing well. I went immediately and was able to spend the last few days with her. My Grandma Lupe was an incredible self made woman who had a huge impact on my life and was a big part of why I am the way I am. She raised my Mom to be a strong independent woman who could take care of herself, in turn my Mom raised me the same way. I am so grateful for the way these amazing women raised me, I don’t know where I would be if they hadn’t raised me in such a way.

My Grandma had been suffering from Alzheimer’s and Dementia for several years. Her battle came to an end on Christmas Eve of 2018. When I got the call I could hear the quiver in my Mom’s voice and I knew… I felt myself slide down the wall I had leaned against for support, I came to rest with my knees at my chest while whimpering “No Mama, no…” Hearing my Mom on the other side of the phone saying, “I’m sorry Mija, it’s going to be okay…” all through her own tears. After ending the phone call, the dam finally broke… All of the pain, heartache, and sadness I had been bottling up poured out of me while I sat alone. I cannot describe the amount of sorrow that poured out of me, I didn’t think it was even possible.

As we prepared to go back home, I continually told myself that I needed to keep it together. This was my time to be strong for my Sister and for my Mom, I needed to keep it together for them and be their shoulder to cry on. So I did what I always do, I shoved my feelings deep down and slapped my “I got this” face on. I wasn’t perfect in my eyes, I broke down at several points throughout the weekend. I had to be reminded that it was okay for me to not be okay on more than one occasion. It took constant convincing, but eventually I started listening.

2018 chewed me up, spit me out, and then stomped on me. 2019 is me getting back up, dusting myself off, and saying “You hit like a Bitch”. This is my comeback year and big things are happening y’all… Stay tuned!

I have taken a step back from this “blog life”, about 3 years to be honest. I have recently been encouraged to get back into it and share my life experiences. Whether it be motherhood, fitness, or even just daily life. So here we go!

*Let me preface this with the fact that I know there are worse things than a speech delay, this is simply our personal experience and struggle*

Most of my close family and friends know that my son has a speech delay. This is something that I never anticipated nor was prepared for as a first time mother. Nothing will ever compare to the feeling of hearing that something is wrong with your child. In any mother’s mind, I’m sure we all view our children as tiny perfect human beings. Even something as small as a speech delay was hard for me to hear. All I could think about was that I had failed as a mother, I did something wrong and this is all my fault.

I started teaching Grayson sign language when he was about six months old. The older he got the more signs I introduced to him and the more he learned how to communicate effectively through sign language. This was something I was extremely excited about and I was proud of how well he was doing with this form of communication at such a young age. As he grew and developed, his speech was just not there. He relied solely on his signs to communicate. After hearing from our pediatrician that there was cause for concern, I felt guilty about teaching him sign. It was put into my head that his delay was because I had taught him sign language, this turned out to be completely false accusations. Our pediatrician, speech therapists, and child psychologists we had seen all said that it was the best thing I could have ever done for my son. The overwhelming sense of relief each time I heard those words, was a God send for me. I needed to hear it, I needed to have that ingrained into my head that I did nothing wrong and this speech delay was not my fault.

Soon after these doctors visits, we began what would turn out to be months of speech therapy. So many tears were shed over the last year, from Grayson as he struggled and from me as a newly single mom trying to help my son in any way I could. Tantrums and uncontrollable outbursts were a fairly common occurrence for us. Watching and hearing people judge my child not knowing anything about our struggle behind closed doors was heart wrenching. I can’t tell you how many times we have cried together in public restrooms, in the car, and at home because of the frustration and inability to communicate effectively. I am extremely protective of my son regardless, but knowing he has an issue that people make fun of or look down on him for makes me even more protective. I experienced first hand someone taking a shot at my child and his delay. It was a low blow and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much pure rage in my entire life.

This last month has been the most incredible month for his growth in communication. It seemed as though a switch flipped overnight. Out of nowhere he started coming up to me and asking for things. The most amazing thing however, was when he came up to me and said, “I woff you mommy” for the very first time. Tears welled up in my eyes and I completely fell apart. You never realize how you take such little things for granted, like hearing your child say I love you. To me it’s such a precious of a gift to hear my son say that.  It is becoming a norm now to hear him talking and especially hearing him say I love you. However, I have been doing my best not to take it for granted.

Like most new moms I’ve been posting pictures of Grayson and status describing hilarious and precious moments, and like most moms I leave out the rough parts. Before becoming a mom I was under the impression that motherhood was pretty much sunshine and daisies, let me be completely honest with you… IT’S NOT. Not to say that I don’t enjoy being a mother because I do very much, but there is a whole other side I was not expecting. There’s the side that includes sleepless nights, cranky mom, short fuses, and just plain exhaustion.

I will be the first to admit that when I say short fuses I mean mine, and to be perfectly honest my fuse is so short I might as well not have one these days. I know it’s due to lack of sleep for the most part and I should practice patience, but I honestly can’t control it most of the time. Seriously, I lose my mind over the most trivial and pointless things. I hate it! I’m normally a very upbeat, happy, and nice person but these days I hardly recognize myself behind closed doors. I am mean and nasty when I lose it, and it happens more than I would like to admit. My husband takes the brunt of it every time, and he doesn’t always deserve it. He will be the first to admit there are times when he does, but there are also times where he definitely doesn’t.

For example, this entire last week Grayson has been up almost every hour on the hour every night. Meaning so was I, and I still am exhausted and cranky. One of those nights I shouted at Jordan that I needed a break and he needed to get up and take care of Grayson, which he did while reminding me I didn’t have to shout and that he was happy to help out. In the moment that reminder only irritated me, and it had only been building over the last few days. Grayson was screaming and Jordan asked when he was last fed (thinking maybe he was hungry), and for whatever irrational reason I took that as I was willing to let him scream instead of feeding my supposedly starving child. In an angry huff I got up to take Grayson back and Jordan kept telling me that it was fine and he had it under control, all while avoiding my physical attempts to take Grayson. I am not proud to admit that at this point I went into a blind fit of rage and chucked a dirty diaper at Jordan’s crotchular area. Yeah I know, not cool and like I said I’m not proud of it but these moments happen. After coming to my senses I apologized profusely about my irrational overreaction. Jordan was only trying to do what I asked and attempting to help me, but exhaustion and my short fuse got the best of me that night.

Another example that was not so aggressive, was just the other night where we were up all night long and I had reached my breaking point.  Again I asked Jordan for a break and this time I wasn’t really able to get one and I became frustrated. I handed our screaming child to my husband and I went out into the living room, still being able to hear his screaming and cried. I allowed myself to have a good hard cry before going back into our room and trying to be helpful in the moment. Obviously this was an example of how I would rather react in situations like these, but lets be real… We are not always rational.

After dealing with moments like these and ripping off my husband’s head over and over again, he asked me a question. One that he did not ask to upset or offend me but genuinely wanted to know the answer to. He asked me if after dealing with all of this if I would really ever want to do it again. I responded without hesitation that yes, I would do it again because I would know what to expect. After all of the sleepless nights, frustrations, fights, emotional blowouts, diaper blowouts, screaming fits, and mutual exhaustion it’s all worth it when I see his sweet little smile and remember how unconditionally I love my son. I am also so unbelievably in love with my incredible husband who not only has put up with my irrational anger, but has still loved me every step of the way. I couldn’t imagine my life without either of my boys!